Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Try, try again, and again

I keep saying I am back to the blog world and then keep dissappointing myself in not following through.  I am going to go ahead and explain the reasoning.  I have not talked about this with really anyone at all, for several reasons.  So for family members if you are reading this and this comes to a little shock I apologize, but I have my reasons for not wanting to talk about it.  I know I never post without pictures, but considering the subject I decided to refrain.

Last January (2009) Jason and I had a discussion/arguement about having another baby.  At first he was ready and I wasn't then I was ready and he wasn't.  After talking about it for a few days we decided that we would start trying to make Bailey a Big Sister.  I thought it was the perfect time because the baby would be born in the fall and then it would be old enough for family vacation the following summer and we wouldn't have to sit a summer out. I know it was a big decision with Bailey being so young and just crawling at the time, but knew our little girl was growing up fast I had an appointment with my doctor and even discussed getting pregnant with her and if I was crazy to want to get pregnant with a baby that was about 7 months old.  She said go for it!! That month began our journey of working on a baby.

When we started trying for Bailey it only took us three months to get pregnant so I thought this time would be a breeze as well.  I have never taken birth control so it wasn't even an issue to have to go off of it.  I also have been really regular and knew when I ovulated every month.  I really thought to myself this is going to be a piece of cake.

Well, months went by, still I never got pregnant.  Don't get me wrong I know it doesn't always happen that soon, but in my mind I thought I would be pregnant in at least 6 months.  We started getting worried around that time so Jason made an appointment just to make sure everything was good on his end.  He was tested twice for sperm count and mobility and everything was fine.  (On a side note:  They told Jason he had borderline abnormally high sperm count.  I recommend that no doctor tell any man that.  Talk about something he was gloating about.)So in September I called my doctor to get everything checked out because we had been trying for 9 months.  All results came back that I was ovulating and said to keep trying, and that we did!

I ended up going back to the doctor in January for my yearly visit and discussed my problems again.  After a year of trying I guess you are considered having "fertility problems."  Everything looked normal and they scheduled me for an ultrasound around the time I was supposed to ovualate to actually see in my tubes were ripe and going to release an egg.  Sure enough I was about to release an egg and once again said to go home and try, try, try!!  No luck once again.

So last month they put me on Clomid; it is supposed to help ripen your eggs or help ovulate.  I don't really know the technical terms for it, I just know it's a hormone to help get me pregnant.  The first month we had no success.  We are now on the second month of Clomid and will see how things go from there.

This brings me to why I have not been blogging much.  It seems as if everytime I get on here and read friends blogs I regulary read, everyone is popping up pregnant.  Everytime I get on facebook I have another friend who is pregnant, or someone who knows someone who just had a baby.  Don't get me wrong I am happy for everyone who is having babies.  It just hurts when I have been trying for so long and not succeeding.  I guess jealousy is getting the best of me in that department.

I would like to aplogize again to close family that are just finding out through my blog.  It is something that I don't talk about, but to Jason.  It hurts to much to talk about the dissapointment.  I never wanted to tell people we were trying because I wanted it to be a surprise when it actually happened.  We get asked daily when we are having another one and it hurts to know that we are trying so hard, so I try and blow it off like "Oh I don't know."

For some reason I thought I might feel better getting it out in the open and writing about it (but if I talk to you in person please don't ask me about it because I only cry.)  I actually have only teared up once writing/typing this.  I guess I am braver behind a computer screen.  If you have had problems simliar to mine I would love to hear your outcome and the steps you took.

I am constantly thinking of the next step we might have to take and the money it could cost to have other treatments done in the near future.  I would pay anything to have another child if I had the money.  I just hope we don't have to resort to those measures.  So I am not asking for sympathy, just to please think of us and keep your fingers crossed that getting pregnant happens sometime very soon in the future.

WOW this was really hard to type and even harder to read it back.  Thanks in advance for listening!


Vanessa said...

Girl, you ARE brave for putting this out to the world. I'm sorry your journey to another baby is not going as easily as you had plan. Hang in there, you are a fabulous mother and I truly believe more babies are in your future! I will keep you in my prayers and send positive thoughts your way! <3

Anonymous said...

I fully understand how you feel my husband and I are going through the same issue at this moment. Though we already have 1 child together and 3 that I bring from a previous relationship we still want atleast another child.

Unfortunetly, after my fourth I was talked into placing an IUD as a form of birth control. After about a year of havinh the IUD in I chose to have it removed. It's been 7mths and we have still not been able to conceive.

We also might be going to the doctor in the weeks to come.

I wish you and your husband the best.
Stay strong and know that you're not going through this alone, another bloggy friend is going through this too.

Much Luv,

Juliana said...

I feel your pain, and I wish that I could reach through the computer and hug you. We have realized that we must go down the surrogacy route to have another child and we have no money for the IVF and the cost of it, but we will find a way. I am here if you ever need to talk. I know how hard it is and how depressing it can be.

I am following you from MBC with FFF. I hope that you will come back and follow back. Have a great week!

Midnite Skys said...

I know your pain. It took me 2 and a half years to get pregnant with my daughter. Then I had surgery when she was 1, to remove a tumor on my ovary. But she is grown now so I won't be blogging I am pregnant... I am too old! I did start a new blog (kinda new) http://sassyvegetarian.blogspot.com/ where I am posting recipes so when you want come visit and maybe get ideas... Hugs...

Trish said...

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this without anyone to talk to so far(except Jason).

I will be praying for you!

{{{many hugs}}}

Mrs. Vincent said...

I think it's so healthy that you wrote this post!!! I have never been in your situation but it did take us longer to get pregnant the second time than the first time and I realize how frustrating it can be. I remember the feeling of having my husband to talk to but not really wanting to confide in anyone else besides two of my really close friends. It helps to have someone understand what you are going through, hopefully people can be more understanding. I have a blog for you to check out, she's a friend of a friend and she works in the same school district as me. She just go pregnant and is 10 weeks along after a long time of trying to get there. :) I know she has a huge web of friends who blog and are going through the same thing so maybe you might find some comfort in talking to them. www.stateiamin.com I'm proud of you for sharing! I'll be thinking about you!

Dodd Diaries said...

I came to your blog through Drama Mama. I just wanted to send you hugs, so many hugs. I know the shoes you are in, you will be in my prayers.

Tired Mom Tésa said...

Oh, I'm thinking about you and sending you lots of positive and good luck vibes your way. It can be difficult, I know a bit about it but not quite to your extent. Fertility is such a sensitive thing. I really hope you get some helpful comments that lift your spirits and I'm sending you a virtual hug.

Erin said...

Hi Kristi,

Infertility is no fun at all. The good news is...you got pregnant once before, so there is a good chance you will get pregnant again! I think you are so brave for putting this out there. You can find so many wonderful, supportive bloggers out there who are going through the same thing. It really does make the whole process a bit easier.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Dodd Diaries said...

If you have an email, we can chat. If you would rather not give it to me, I totally understand!

**Nicole** said...

Awww.....*Great Big Hug* I'm so sorry! I was just talking to a girl who's a nanny at the playgroup I go to and she has a miscarriage last year and they have been trying to get pregnant ever since and it's just not happening. At least you have your gorgeous little girl for now!!! I know it must be really hard, although I can't sympathize I truely hope you'll be able to celebrate with us all very soon!!!

Joel and Cindy said...

I just started reading your blog and forgive me if I'm being nieve or too forward, but I have a friend who tried for 3 years to get pregnant then someone suggested she read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and she decided to read it. You may have read it, but, if not, I highly recommend it. She was pregnant within 2 months because she realized (through charting, which you may already do) that she has hypothyroidism. She corrected it and got pregnant within 2 months. She is expecting #2 and had no problems conceiving this time around. Just a thought. I read it and it was extremely helpful - not for getting pregnant necessarily, but overall to learn how to keep your body healthy. Good luck to you!