Try, try again, and again

I keep saying I am back to the blog world and then keep dissappointing myself in not following through.  I am going to go ahead and explain the reasoning.  I have not talked about this with really anyone at all, for several reasons.  So for family members if you are reading this and this comes to a little shock I apologize, but I have my reasons for not wanting to talk about it.  I know I never post without pictures, but considering the subject I decided to refrain.

Last January (2009) Jason and I had a discussion/arguement about having another baby.  At first he was ready and I wasn't then I was ready and he wasn't.  After talking about it for a few days we decided that we would start trying to make Bailey a Big Sister.  I thought it was the perfect time because the baby would be born in the fall and then it would be old enough for family vacation the following summer and we wouldn't have to sit a summer out. I know it was a big decision with Bailey being so young and just crawling at the time, but knew our little girl was growing up fast.  I had an appointment with my doctor and even discussed getting pregnant with her and if I was crazy to want to get pregnant with a baby that was about 7 months old.  She said go for it!! That month began our journey of working on a baby.

When we started trying for Bailey it only took us three months to get pregnant so I thought this time would be a breeze as well.  I have never taken birth control so it wasn't even an issue to have to go off of it.  I also have been really regular and knew when I ovulated every month.  I really thought to myself this is going to be a piece of cake.

Well, months went by, still I never got pregnant.  Don't get me wrong I know it doesn't always happen that soon, but in my mind I thought I would be pregnant in at least 6 months.  We started getting worried around that time so Jason made an appointment just to make sure everything was good on his end.  He was tested twice for sperm count and mobility and everything was fine.  (On a side note:  They told Jason he had borderline abnormally high sperm count.  I recommend that no doctor tell any man that.  Talk about something he was gloating about.)So in September I called my doctor to get everything checked out because we had been trying for 9 months.  All results came back that I was ovulating and said to keep trying, and that we did!

I ended up going back to the doctor in January for my yearly visit and discussed my problems again.  After a year of trying I guess you are considered having "fertility problems."  Everything looked normal and they scheduled me for an ultrasound around the time I was supposed to ovualate to actually see in my tubes were ripe and going to release an egg.  Sure enough I was about to release an egg and once again said to go home and try, try, try!!  No luck once again.

So last month they put me on Clomid; it is supposed to help ripen your eggs or help ovulate.  I don't really know the technical terms for it, I just know it's a hormone to help get me pregnant.  The first month we had no success.  We are now on the second month of Clomid and will see how things go from there.

This brings me to why I have not been blogging much.  It seems as if everytime I get on here and read friends blogs I regulary read, everyone is popping up pregnant.  Everytime I get on facebook I have another friend who is pregnant, or someone who knows someone who just had a baby.  Don't get me wrong I am happy for everyone who is having babies.  It just hurts when I have been trying for so long and not succeeding.  I guess jealousy is getting the best of me in that department.

I would like to aplogize again to close family that are just finding out through my blog.  It is something that I don't talk about, but to Jason.  It hurts to much to talk about the dissapointment.  I never wanted to tell people we were trying because I wanted it to be a surprise when it actually happened.  We get asked daily when we are having another one and it hurts to know that we are trying so hard, so I try and blow it off like "Oh I don't know."

For some reason I thought I might feel better getting it out in the open and writing about it (but if I talk to you in person please don't ask me about it because I only cry.)  I actually have only teared up once writing/typing this.  I guess I am braver behind a computer screen.  If you have had problems simliar to mine I would love to hear your outcome and the steps you took.

I am constantly thinking of the next step we might have to take and the money it could cost to have other treatments done in the near future.  I would pay anything to have another child if I had the money.  I just hope we don't have to resort to those measures.  So I am not asking for sympathy, just to please think of us and keep your fingers crossed that getting pregnant happens sometime very soon in the future.

WOW this was really hard to type and even harder to read it back.  Thanks in advance for listening!