Up and down......

I feel like all I get done blogging about is our journey to get pregnant.  But that seems to be the only thing on my mind recently.  It's been a roller coaster of emotions the past few days.  It started Monday when we went to see the Dr for a checkup for being on clomid for 3 months.  I saw my actual Dr. instead of the PA which always makes me feel better.  The appoinment went really well and I was very confident after talking to her.  She reccomended coming in Wednesday (today) for an ultrasound to measure my follicle size.  If everything looked good we were going to take an HCG trigger shot and then have an IUI done.  The trigger shot makes you ovulate 24-48 hours after taking it.  So, that meant that we were for sure going to ovulate and actually know a pretty good time frame.  I am really bad with trying to use the right medical terms for things so here is the definition of an IUI :
IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. Also known as artificial insemination (AI), IUI fertility treatment involves placing specially washed sperm directly into the woman’s uterus through a small tube. The procedure is low tech and completed in the doctor’s office by either a nurse or doctor.

So this was the plan:  Get the ultrasound, take the shot, go back for the procedure, and then hope it worked.  It wasn't a cheap plan either.  Our insurance doesn't cover any of the procedures so it was all "out of pocket" for a chance (not guaranteed to work) to get pregnant.  I had so many emotions in those two days of whether or not to actually do it, but deep down I really wanted to.

Fast forward to today.  We went in for an ultrasound hoping everything was alright.  Well the ultrasound tech measured everything and made us think that my follicles were fine.  We waited to talk to the doc and she was out so we saw the PA.   She told us that my follicles were just a little too big to do the IUI.  From what she explained is the follicles are what turn into the egg.  There is still a chance to get pregnant, but the chance to get pregnant is slim because the follicle is big.  Pretty much it wasn't worth putting the money into an IUI when there was a good chance it wasn't going to work.

She suggested coming back next month and having another ultrasound done to check my follicle size and then if its the right size we can do an IUI. We are still up in the air about where to go from here.  Just to have the ultrasound done today was approximately $200.  So there's another chance we could put $200 dollars into an ultrasound and be told its the wrong size.  If it is the right size we could have the IUI done and that will be approximately another $400 on top of everything else.  We really can't afford to put that kind of money out there for a "chance" at things that are not a for sure thing.  We are throwing all options around right now, even to stop trying and just have one baby.

Sorry if this is all over the place, it is just so hard to explain when I am still so confused on so many things myself.

Trying again.....

For those of you who would like to know the full story you can go here.

We were on our second month of taking clomid this past month.  I thought for sure this was the month.  I just had that feeling that everything was going to go as planned. I had passed the days I thought I was supposed to ovulate and Jason went out of town for a few days.  I woke up one night with the worst pain, to the point I couldn't go back to sleep.  I thought my ovaries were going to fall out of me.

Two weeks had passed and it was time to start.  I didn't.  For some reason I honestly wasn't even excited at the thought of being pregnant.  For some reason I got this huge feeling of guilt for having another baby and taking time away from Bailey.  I have wanted to be pregnant again for so long and thought I could possibly be pregnant and didn't even want to be anymore. 

We waited about 3 days and I still hadn't started.  Jason went and bought a pregnancy test.  I took it right away and it was negative.  Then I got another huge feeling of sadness for not being pregnant.  I swear I have the mood swings of pregnancy without being pregnant.  So once again I am dissappointed for not being pregnant.  After thinking back I guess I had just ovulated later than I had expected or was supposed to.  I have always ovulated right on time.

I am now taking clomid again for the 3rd month.  We have an appointment in about a week to discuss things with my doctor.  I desperately want to do something more than taking clomid to help, but insurance doesn't cover much and we can not afford to put the money into it right now and then pay for the doctor bills for being pregnant and having a second child.  The thing that scares me the most is I can only take clomid for 6 months.  I am not sure if there is another pill they can give me or we are just out of luck.  I hate researching it becauase I feel that its always going to happen this month. 

I will update you later when we go to the doctors appointment.  Once again for those of you I talk to in person I apologize for not telling you.  For some reason it is one of the hardest things for me to talk about it. It is easier for some reason for me to just type it and then not talk about it.  If you know me I want what I want when I want it.  This is one thing that is completely out of my control for the most part of when it is going to happen.

Try, try again, and again

I keep saying I am back to the blog world and then keep dissappointing myself in not following through.  I am going to go ahead and explain the reasoning.  I have not talked about this with really anyone at all, for several reasons.  So for family members if you are reading this and this comes to a little shock I apologize, but I have my reasons for not wanting to talk about it.  I know I never post without pictures, but considering the subject I decided to refrain.

Last January (2009) Jason and I had a discussion/arguement about having another baby.  At first he was ready and I wasn't then I was ready and he wasn't.  After talking about it for a few days we decided that we would start trying to make Bailey a Big Sister.  I thought it was the perfect time because the baby would be born in the fall and then it would be old enough for family vacation the following summer and we wouldn't have to sit a summer out. I know it was a big decision with Bailey being so young and just crawling at the time, but knew our little girl was growing up fast.  I had an appointment with my doctor and even discussed getting pregnant with her and if I was crazy to want to get pregnant with a baby that was about 7 months old.  She said go for it!! That month began our journey of working on a baby.

When we started trying for Bailey it only took us three months to get pregnant so I thought this time would be a breeze as well.  I have never taken birth control so it wasn't even an issue to have to go off of it.  I also have been really regular and knew when I ovulated every month.  I really thought to myself this is going to be a piece of cake.

Well, months went by, still I never got pregnant.  Don't get me wrong I know it doesn't always happen that soon, but in my mind I thought I would be pregnant in at least 6 months.  We started getting worried around that time so Jason made an appointment just to make sure everything was good on his end.  He was tested twice for sperm count and mobility and everything was fine.  (On a side note:  They told Jason he had borderline abnormally high sperm count.  I recommend that no doctor tell any man that.  Talk about something he was gloating about.)So in September I called my doctor to get everything checked out because we had been trying for 9 months.  All results came back that I was ovulating and said to keep trying, and that we did!

I ended up going back to the doctor in January for my yearly visit and discussed my problems again.  After a year of trying I guess you are considered having "fertility problems."  Everything looked normal and they scheduled me for an ultrasound around the time I was supposed to ovualate to actually see in my tubes were ripe and going to release an egg.  Sure enough I was about to release an egg and once again said to go home and try, try, try!!  No luck once again.

So last month they put me on Clomid; it is supposed to help ripen your eggs or help ovulate.  I don't really know the technical terms for it, I just know it's a hormone to help get me pregnant.  The first month we had no success.  We are now on the second month of Clomid and will see how things go from there.

This brings me to why I have not been blogging much.  It seems as if everytime I get on here and read friends blogs I regulary read, everyone is popping up pregnant.  Everytime I get on facebook I have another friend who is pregnant, or someone who knows someone who just had a baby.  Don't get me wrong I am happy for everyone who is having babies.  It just hurts when I have been trying for so long and not succeeding.  I guess jealousy is getting the best of me in that department.

I would like to aplogize again to close family that are just finding out through my blog.  It is something that I don't talk about, but to Jason.  It hurts to much to talk about the dissapointment.  I never wanted to tell people we were trying because I wanted it to be a surprise when it actually happened.  We get asked daily when we are having another one and it hurts to know that we are trying so hard, so I try and blow it off like "Oh I don't know."

For some reason I thought I might feel better getting it out in the open and writing about it (but if I talk to you in person please don't ask me about it because I only cry.)  I actually have only teared up once writing/typing this.  I guess I am braver behind a computer screen.  If you have had problems simliar to mine I would love to hear your outcome and the steps you took.

I am constantly thinking of the next step we might have to take and the money it could cost to have other treatments done in the near future.  I would pay anything to have another child if I had the money.  I just hope we don't have to resort to those measures.  So I am not asking for sympathy, just to please think of us and keep your fingers crossed that getting pregnant happens sometime very soon in the future.

WOW this was really hard to type and even harder to read it back.  Thanks in advance for listening!

Got milk?? or A Diaper Break?

If you have a weak stomach or find bodily functions gross I suggest stop reading right now.  Some of you may know that Bailey has an issue with constipation.  Some times she will go weeks without having a problem with having a bowel movement.  We have a powder mix we put in her drink that helps her go to the bathroom easier, but I don’t feel the need to give it to her if she is not always constipated.  So as soon as I feel she is going to have an issue or hasn’t done a #2 in awhile I start giving it to her.  Well right now is a time of constipation.  When she feels the need to go to the bathroom she tenses up, turns reds, and cries.  I have to pull her to the floor take her diaper off and hold her legs up like labor and delivery style.  The whole time she is screaming and crying and kicking to get her legs free.  She tries to push the #2 out, but doesn’t always work.  This happens at least 6 or 7 times before she actually gets it out.  When I get lucky she starts to push it out and it is horrible.  The #2 is way to hard and big for her little body to push out, but she somehow does it. Anyways that is how my morning has been.  Crying, pushing, and diaper changing.

After that we came upstairs for lunch.  I give Bailey a sippy cup with milk and send her on her way while I am making lunch.  She's laughing and doing her thing in the living room.  I heard them pounding on something, but thought it was the windows, which they often do.  I didn’t think twice about anything because the kids sound like they are having fun.  I walk in their and guess what I see???????  Her whole cup of milk on my couch!  No I don't mean the cup sitting there.  I mean she had shaken the cup upside down ‘til all of the milk dripped on the couch.
 

These are after I had scrubbed on it.  This is how large the area of milk was..  It was about 6 ozs of milk!!!!  I have scrubbed on it a total of 3 times right now.  I am so ready for the weekend.  Have a great weekend.

Yummy Pudding

I bet you thought I was going to give you this great recipe that you would have to run home and make huh????  WRONG!  But if you want the directions on how to make instant pudding let me know!  I'm your girl.  We actually decided to have a really fun and messy day again in the Brouse House. Remember when we made this mess?  Well we decided to pull the pudding out again.  But this time Jackson was old enough to play this time.  I thought Bailey would love playing in the pudding again.

We are just starting out.  They really don't know what to think.

Bailey won't touch it with her hands.  So she uses a spoon!

Jackson uses his hands.

Bailey stays clean.

Jackson doesn't.

She gives in...and then asks for a towel.

This is Bailey's paper.

These are Jackson's.

Now we are done.....Almost!

Can't forget the bath!!

What do you do to entertain your kids during the winter months?

Boring shopping trip and fun table!

Hope everyone had a great weekend.   Once again Bailey and I went shopping on Saturday trying to get her some winter clothes and came home with nothing.  This is our situation **I CANT FIND ANYTHING TO FIT HER!!**  She is almost 18 months old and is still mostly in 12month clothing.  I have tons of 12 month pants that I have washed and washed trying to shrink but still too long.  Did I mention I am barely 5 foot!  I guess she inherited my shortness in a major way!  I absolutely love shopping, I could do it every single day.  But this is one time I am getting very frustrated and just want to quit.  She can't wear 9 months because they are too short so that doesn't work either.  I do not even know where to start on sewing anything together muchless hem some pants.  Even if I did that though the waist is still a little too big.  This isn't the first time I have complained about this and I am sure it won't be the last.

On to my evening project this evening.  I know I know....I am supposed to be working on my dining room table but I can't do that until Bailey goes to bed and I have been really tired recently to do that.  It will get done.  Jason tells me I have a touch of ADD when it comes to working on things because I always want to start a million projects at once.

 Anyhoo, I have found a major love for modge podge.  We had this random table that I painted awhile ago and it has sat in many spots in the house.

Bailey has moved it around herself and thrown it around a little.

So I decided I would make the table officially hers.

I took some scrapbook paper that had the alphabet on it.  I cut each square out and then replace them on here.  Now she has a table that matches al her girlie stuff and can use it as a learning area.

Nothing hard at all.  Just modge modged the letters on there and now she has a new tabletop!  Hope she enjoys it onces it dries.

We know that I can barely post anything without  at least one picture of shorty.  This is what I see when I come to get her from a nap one day.  She has learned to take her shirt off, but its the wrong way.  At least she knows to hand the paci over as soon as she wakes up.  One day soon we are going to take that away.

Little Momma

I caught myself in a conversation with my friend the other day about Bailey.  Well we have lots of conversations about Bailey.  Lindsey, my friend, and I have been best friends since the 7th grade.  We practically talk every single day.  She is the kind of friend I tell everything to, the one that when I am having a bad day I can call and complain about everything and she listens and agrees with everything I say and vice versa.   Anyways she just built a new house with her husband and they just moved in this month. Growing up we always said we would live beside each other and our husbands would be best friends as well as our kids. (Did I mention she lives 18 hours away???? thats definetly not in my neighborhood.)  Guess that dream isn't coming true anytime soon.  But I go on to tell her she needs to jump on the bandwagon and have some babies even though she isn't my neighbor yet. (I know isn't that nice of me?)   She wants to wait a little bit longer.  I will be on my 3rd kid when she is just beginning to think of having a baby.  Or my kids will be so old they will be babysitting her kids.  Just like this.....

She loves being a little momma!!  She really treats her babydolls like they are real babies.  She rocks them and pats them on the back.  She gives them a bottle and a paci.  Shes so sweet to her babies.  (PS Dont pay attention to her bangs.  I refuse to cut her hair yet.  I would like for them to just  blend in with her hair instead of having the short bangs.  They seem to go right in front of her eyes right now.)

This posting was a little random and pointless! Lindsey's birthday is coming up in a few days so this is me wishing you a happy birthday!!!!  Hope its a great one and by the way you arent getting any younger! hinthint

Babies, Babies, Babies

Its funny how things change once you have kids.  I have attended Marshall University homecoming for the last 9 years missing only once.  At the time we lived in VA beach and drove all the way in for the weekend to go and BAM I am having horrible morning sickness. (Did I mention that I had all day sickness for the whole pregnancy?--finally was medicated for it)  Anyhoo.....this past weekend was MU's homecoming and of course we went.  I was in a sorority while at Marshall and every year they do a chilifest and invite all alumnae to come.  Well we go there to start the day off and then tailgate all day.  Well now there are tons of us that have children now and tailgating kind of changes when you are chasing around kids..esp mine...she doesnt know what it means to sit down.  So one of us gets to drink and the other one is the designated driver.  One guess who drinks??? Jason! It is so neat to get them together because it doesnt happen that much.  Here are some pictures of the kids playing and their mamas.  This is only some of the girls!  Wish more of you could have  made it!!

Me w/ Bailey 16 months, Mandy w/ Kenlie and Kylie 14 months, and Becca w/Jackson 5 1/2 months

(Mandy has a 6 year old little boy.  She wanted to have a girl so bad and knew she just never was going to have one.  When she found out I was having a girl she was so mad bc she just knew she was having another boy.  She came to my baby shower and looked at the nursery and made comments like I will never have a pink room and yaddayadda yadda! LOL Be careful what you wish for.  She got 2!...naturally)

Some more of the girls that are still single and livin the dream!

Everyone thought Bailey and the twins looked alike all day.  What do you think??

She tries to be so motherly and had to give them both love.  Shes a little momma to everyone.

This picture cracks me up because they were like this all morning.  I sometimes want to scream having one toddler.  I cant imagine doing it double time.  WOW

On a side note I have a really funny story...or at least I think it is funny.  Since I have been babysitting Jackson I have had to teach Bailey to put her finger to her mouth and say shshshshsh.  The only time she does it is when I tell her too or when we go upstairs around the bedroom Jackson sleeps in.  Well we went to my parents house yesterday for dinner and my mom was holding Bailey singing some hideous song and Bailey looked at her and said SHSHSHSHSH!!  Obviously she didn't think my mom was a very good singer hahaha....wonder why?